BEDBUGS IN CONGRESS
By Attorney Jonathan Emord
September 13, 2010
Bedbugs have invaded New York, Philadelphia, Detroit, Cincinnati, and every other major American city. They are filthy wingless insects that cause physical and mental distress. Despite the seriousness of the epidemic, Americans are not paying enough attention to one place where bedbugs have been since at least the turn of the Twentieth Century. The bedbugs I refer to suck every American’s life’s blood, leaving each a hollow shell with nothing to show for a life of hard work. They are the worst of all bedbugs, as far as I am concerned. They infest the people’s house (the House of Representatives and the Senate of the United States). They are your Congressmen and Senators.
If you ever encounter a bedbug, look it straight in the eye. Tell me if it does not closely resemble your elected representative: Hard headed with black beady eyes fixed unyieldingly in one direction, mandibles moving about like mad (always jawing about something), interested mainly in itself, and with mouthparts that can pierce and draw your blood (or at least empty your pocketbook). Tell me that is not your Congress critter. Tell me which ones are worse, the big fat ones in Congress who eat up our tax dollars (and then some) or the tiny ones on a mattress?
Some challenge my scientific accuracy, but I can attest that members of Congress are in fact indistinguishable from bedbugs but for their size. They are very large and nasty pests. Few dispute my contention that congressional bedbugs are sucking the life’s blood out of America. Indeed, by an unbiased read, most elected representatives satisfy Webster’s definition of bedbugs. According to Webster’s a bedbug is “a wingless bloodsucking” pest “sometimes infesting houses and especially beds and feeding on human blood.” Members of Congress are all of that. They are wingless (and often clueless). They are bloodsucking (and sometimes deadly). They feed off of everyone else’s blood, sweat and tears (and use up all of your money way beyond the cost of an exterminator).