Experts Propose Plugging Oil Leak With BP Executives
Fake news by Andy Borowitz
WASHINGTON—At a conference of oil leak experts in Washington today, attendees proposed plugging the massive oil leak in the Gulf of Mexico with executives of BP, the company responsible for the catastrophic spill.
“We’ve tried containment domes, rubber tires and even golf balls,” said William Cathermeyer of the National Oil Leakage Institute, a leading consultancy in the field of oil leaks. “Now it’s time to shove some BP executives down there and hope for the best.”
Submerging the oil company executives thousands of feet below the ocean’s surface could be a “win-win” situation, Cathermeyer said. “Best-case scenario, they plug the leak,” he said. “And at the very least, they’ll shut the fuck up.”
But even as the oil leak experts proposed their unorthodox solution, environmental expert Marilyn Sufranski warned of the possible negative consequences of plugging the oil leak with BP executives. “The Gulf of Mexico is slimy enough already,” she said.